Post by altermentality on Jun 3, 2011 17:16:08 GMT -5
Here's a short story I wrote about a year ago, which I was always rather proud of. It's a parody of the beginning of SPM (which I absolutely adore - I mean, the game, not just the beginning of it - but... I also like making fun of the things I love). If you feel like reading it all, I hope it brings you a few laughs. It's fairly dark humor, but I hope that the intelligent Mario fan will enjoy it.
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Super Failure Mario
Once upon a time, in rather a small house, a man clad in a red shirt and blue overalls and sporting an incredible mustache and a five-o-clock shadow was sitting at his kitchen table, pondering a few things. First of all, he was pondering how it was that he'd saved the kingdom more times than he could count, and still he lived in rather a small house. On that note, he was also pondering why he had to still live with his brother, and if the guy would ever move out and take care of himself. Get himself a girl. Of course, it wasn't like Mario had any right to be talking in that respect. Not really.
Truth be told, on this particular morning, Mario – for that was the man's name, and there's no use pretending we didn't know otherwise – was utterly depressed. He was considering how many times he'd saved the princess, going from castle to castle until he found her – and all he ever got was a kiss and some cake. What was with that? Did she not like his nose? It couldn't be the mustache, everybody loved the mustache. Creatures that weren't even human loved the mustache, and that kinda made him uncomfortable.
No, it must be his weight. He didn't understand how he managed to swim through oceans and sweat his way through sweltering deserts and travel across endless plains and climb up ladders and jump, jump, jump, and he just couldn't get rid of that that pudge. His brother didn't go on nearly as many adventures, and he was thin as a rail.
Yes, friends. Mario was depressed about his life in general, was full of self-doubt. It may come as a shock, but Red, Mustache, the Great Gonzales, whatever you know him as, had actually some pretty abysmal mental issues. That was the reason he talked so little; he was usually running over the troublesome thoughts that tormented his mind. He had done things, he had committed atrocities that he didn't like to remember. Bashing Goombas' heads in, kicking around Koopas in their shells until they were brain-damaged. All for the sake of her. The princess who smelled like flowers, whose hair was pure gold growing from her china skin. Only for her to be in another castle, both physically and mentally. Yes… all he ever got was a kiss and some cake. What did she want? What did she want?!
As Mario sat there, drinking his Starbeans instant coffee and gazing languidly at the wall, his brother Luigi tromped into the kitchen from his room and sat himself noisily down at the table. "Yo bro!" he cried out.
Good-for-nothing, thought Mario. But he greeted his brother with, "Hmmm."
"Mamma mia, but today's a boring day already!" cried Luigi. As if Luigi knows what excitement is, Mario thought. Mario is Missing. He thought that was a good game just because he was the star. Hmph.
"Y'know, I wish something intense would happen today!" Luigi prattled on loudly. "Something crazy! Y'know, like, KERBLOOEY!" He paused a moment. "Like, AAAAAHHH, MY ARM! Like HAVE MERCY, OH STARS PLEASE, OH STARS, I HAVE CHILDREN!!! Like OH GOD, DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!!! AHHH! AAAHH! AAAAAA-"
"That's enough-a, Luigi," said Mario, and his brother desisted the agonized screaming. But he was far from desisting his blather.
"But wouldn't that be awesome, though?!" he cried. "We should head up to town! Maybe go to the castle! I bet something like that might happen at the castle."
Mario sighed. Today? He didn't think he could face the castle today. He couldn't face her. But he had nothing better to do, and he wanted to shut Luigi up. Maybe he could ditch him and go shopping for new identical overalls.
"Okey dokey," he sighed miserably, and followed up with the weakest "Let's-a go," ever heard.
The two brothers had gathered their things, but as soon as they stepped outside, they were greeted by the sight of a crazed little mushroom man running wildly up to them, waving his arms.
"Whoa, Toad! What's the matter?!" called Luigi. "Why are you so crazy?!"
"BLATHA BLATHA BLAAATHA!" answered the Toad, groping his cap frenetically, his eyes looking in two different directions.
"No really, why are you so crazy?" asked Luigi.
"Angh- ah- budah- FLAAARG!!!" He fell to the ground and started rolling back and forth on his side.
"I think he's-a trying to tell us that Peach has been-a kidnapped again," sighed Mario.
"Oooh, you can understand this guy?" inquired Luigi, fascinated.
"Not at all, but that's-a what these guys are-a usually-a tryin' to tell us."
"Oh!" exclaimed Luigi. "You're so smart, Big Bro!" Then his face changed from astonished admiration to indignant anger. "But who could have done such a thing?!"
"Whatever. Let's-a make this easy, Luigi. To Bowser's Castle."
"What makes you think Bowser has something to do with this?"
But Mario was already headed down the road. Luigi took off after him, leaving the crazy Toad behind.
As soon as they were out of both view and earshot, the Toad jumped up. "Sweet!" he cried. He really didn't know if Peach had been kidnapped at all, but that worked. It was a totally believable excuse in the Mushroom Kingdom. He then ran through Mario and Luigi's unlocked door and began raiding their house for coins and shrooms.
---
Mario and Luigi turned up at Bowser's Castle and found the front gate open, so they walked right in. Bowser had lived in so many castles in his time, since they kept getting blown up or otherwise utterly trashed, and the brothers weren't quite familiar with this particular model. The defenses seemed especially low this time, however. It was like Bowser had thought, Why even bother? As indeed he had. Even the edges of the pathways had railings with signs over them that said "Watch out! Lava!" in a few different languages and a charming little picture of a stickman being consumed by flames and screaming in the agonies of a hideous death.
It was pretty easy to infer where Bowser and his minions were gathered, due to the paper signs taped onto the walls that said "Minion Meeting this way!" with friendly little arrows. They were typed in Comic Sans font, too. Mario groaned. Things had really gone downhill since the early days.
The brothers soon found the grand meeting hall, where a huge crowd of Koopas, Goombas, Hammer Bros, and other minions were massed, and barged in without ceremony. Luigi ran in doing crazy dance moves, waving his arms wildly in front of him and crying out "WOOHOOO! IT'S-A WEEGEE TIME!!" Mario, for his part, trudged in with his hand in a perpetual facepalm. He just wanted to get this over with.
"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Some of the baddies started to cry amongst the other screams of support for Bowser.
It took the Koopa King, who was standing at the far end of the hall, a little while to catch on. Finally, he broke into a huge toothy grin. "Oh! 'We're under attack!' You guys are hilarious! Good one, minions! Baww, I love you guys…"
Suddenly Luigi, who was still making his way up to Bowser, tripped over a Goomba and went flying onto his face, right at the foot of the stairs up to Bowser's throne. His wail of surprise pierced Bowser's ears, and his front rows of minions moved out of the way to reveal the prostate – er, prostrate – Luigi.
"ARGH!" roared Bowser. "It's the Jolly Green Giant!" He stormed down the stairs to stand in front of the fallen man. "What on earth are you doing here – without your brother?"
"I'm here," said Mario flatly, emerging from the crowd. "Well-a Bowser. Shall we get-a this over with?"
"Bwah. Just another day at the office, right?" said Browser, nodding sagaciously. He stretched his arms, cracked his knuckles. "But I gotta say, you guys are really early this time. I mean, REALLY early. Like, we haven't even picked her up yet."
"Eh… what?" said Luigi, starting to pick himself up. A Boomerang Bro put his foot on Luigi's back to prevent him from doing so.
"Yeah. We totally haven't even gone to kidnap her yet," explained Bowser.
"But, but!" cried Luigi. "We heard from a very reliable source that Peach has already been kidnapped!"
"Luigi, that Toad-a wasn't exactly a reliable source," said Mario. "Come on. Let's-a beat up Bowser for good-a measure and then let's-a go home."
Just then, a shrill cry pierced the air. "HEEEELP!"
Mario started. That damsel-in-distress scream that set feminism back to the Victorian age! It could only be… her! And surely enough, Peach soon materialized to follow her cry. She was floating in the air above the heads of the brothers, Bowser, and all his minions, surrounded by a surreal glowing cage.
"Mario!" she cried, looking around; then she sighted him. Mario's heart leapt as their eyes met, but then the princess snapped, "Mario, come on! What's taking you! Hurry up and get me out of this mess!"
"Whoa, Bowser, that's pretty nifty! How are you doing that?" asked Luigi, craning his neck to look up at Peach and still struggling to get up. He now had a Goomba and a Buzzy Beetle sitting on him as well.
"Waaaah?" explained Bowser most astutely.
"Well put, O spiky friend of Count Bleck!" came a new voice from out of nowhere. And suddenly, a new figure appeared.
He was blue, da-ba-dee da-ba-da, da-ba-dee, da-ba-da, da-ba-dee da-ba-da. And that's all I have to say about that.
Alright, it's worth mentioning his top hat, which was very tall, and his legs and arms, which did not exist. In fact, he was very much a floating torso with floating hands. And a cane, and a monocle. Holy crap, to be honest he was pretty freaky. Freaky and incredibly, unbearably charming.
"WHOA!" cried Bowser. "Who the heck are you?!"
"Count Bleck's name is Count Bleck," said Count Bleck.
"That's great and all, but who are you?" asked Bowser, rather confused at this conversation.
"Count Bleck is Count Bleck, retorted Count Bleck. He does not see why it is so hard to understand. Count Bleck speaks in the third person. You should get used to it, he suggests."
"Dude, it's cool, man," Luigi assured him. "I've totally run into people who are a lot harder to understand. Like this one guy, name was- what was it? Waffle? Yeah, Waffle, he was all like- I AM BEING THE WAFFLE, I AM HAVING OF THE FURY!"
"That was-a the worst Fawful impression I could have ever imagined," said Mario. "Somewhere, that-a guy's fans are crying."
"That guy doesn't have fans!" said Luigi.
"Now listen, cried Count Bleck indignantly!" cried Count Bleck indignantly. "You guys are seriously ruining Count Bleck's dramatic moment! BLECK!"
"Hey man, do you need a cough drop?" asked Luigi.
Count Bleck ignored Luigi. "Count Bleck ignores you, Count Bleck informed the green-clad hairy man," Count Bleck informed the green-clad hairy man.
Meanwhile, Peach was still floating there. "Mari-oooo!" she whined. "Why haven't you taken this guy out yet? I'm missing my nail appointment!"
Mario sighed (he seems to do that every time he comes up in this story). "Right," he said, and leaped up in an attempt to tackle the Count.
"OBJECTION! Objected Count Bleck!" cried the villain, and Mario bounced right off of him thanks to an invisible forcefield. The shamed hero collapsed back onto the stone floor.
"FAIL! Cried Count Bleck childishly! Oh! Haha! TAKE THAT!" He then pointed his cane at Mario and began conjuring up some darkest of magic. The magic of pure… nothingness. The magic of the Void. Mario found himself pulled in by the force of the magic, and he was spun around several times, the darkness seeping into him until he was quite dizzy and felt even more depressed than ever before.
"Welcome to Count Bleck's world of angst!" cried the Count, releasing Mario and cackling wildly. "BLEH HEH HEH, BLECK!!!"
"…Oh?" said Mario woozily. "I… was-a… already there." He then passed out.
"Count Bleck's World of Angst?!" repeated Luigi. "Is that a theme park? I mean, 'cuz it doesn't sound like a very fun one."
"No, that's what this game should really be called," said Count Bleck. "Super Paper Mario, my nonexistent buttox. The only thing more broken than my heart in this game is the Fourth Wall!" He then looked all around him, at the speechless minions, at the gaping Bowser, at the still horizontal Luigi, at the really ticked off Peach, and at the unconscious Mario. "Now come on, it's time for a wedding!" And with a wave of his cane, he pulled them all – all but Mario – into another world.
---
Mario woke up. His head ached, his back hurt, and he was extremely stiff; and somehow, he was on a cold stone castle floor. Not to mention that the second he awoke, a crushing river of self-loathing flowed into his soul and began anew to drown it.
It was exactly the same situation and the same onslaught of feelings, physical and mental, he'd experienced that time he had actually tried to make out with the princess after he'd saved her. The only difference was that this time he didn't have a large red slap-mark on his cheek and a parasol-related blunt trauma wound on his head. How had he gotten here, then?
Oh, right. That total pansy of a main antagonist. Count Bleck? Come on. Where was he, Sesame Street?
---
"Three hundred and eighty-two potential minions! BLEH, HEH, HEH! Three hundred and eighty-three potential minions! BLEH, HEH, HEH!"
Count Bleck was hovering above the sacred altar of marriage, counting faces in the sea of Bowser's troops. Soon, with the help of his trusty secretary, they would all be his.
I want to be his, thought the aforementioned secretary, who was floating next to him. What she said was: "Um. My lord." She was also blue, da-ba-dee da-ba – you know what, forget it – and sported some very awesome glasses. "Don't trouble yourself. I'll count them all out for you later and write an official report, 'k?"
"Nastasia! said Count Bleck with an adorable pouty face! You just made the Count lose his count!"
"But, my lord, as I just said…"
"Well, then how else is Count Bleck going to amuse himself while waiting for that ditzy princess to wake up?"
I could keep you occupied, thought Nastasia. What she said was this: "You're right, we're running a little behind schedule, aren't we? How about I just wake her up for you?"
"That would be excellent."
---
Mario groaned as he sat up and rubbed his aching head.
"Finally, you move your fat buttox!" admonished a snappy female voice. Most people would have leapt up, or at least their hearts would have; but nothing really surprised Mario anymore. He was too shell-shocked.
(…It was a pun, people!)
So Mario just looked languidly around him until his eyes lit on a splash of rainbow color amongst the grey stone of the castle. The being suddenly flew towards him – fluttered towards him, in fact. It appeared to be an abstract representation of a butterfly.
"You there!" she said. "You look – oh great. Just great. Really, LP? Really?!"
"Wait-a, who are you?" asked Mario. "And who is-a this LP? Is there-a some invisible creature hanging around-a here too? Maybe-a like a freaking kitten or a bunny-a rabbit?"
"LP is not a person. It's the Light Predictionary, a totally lame soap opera script that's supposed to dictate the fate of the world, along with its brother, the Dark Predictionary. LP says you're supposed to be the legendary hero, and… it's a terrible casting choice, to be honest. I mean, you're wearing the clothes, you've got the 'stache, but that doesn't mean you can save the universe."
"Well, that's-a great!" exclaimed the purported hero bitterly, "Because I don't-a want to save the universe. I'm-a tired of saving the kingdom or-a the world and getting-a nothing in return. So you want-a me to save-a the entire fabric of-a existence, eh? What am I-a gonna get?"
"Probably nothing, to be honest. The satisfaction of a job well done?"
"Well-a forget it!"
"That settles it. The hero must be in another castle. Surely I've come to the wrong one. Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Mustache. Except not really."
"Wait-a!" cried Mario suddenly. "Are you-a… leaving?"
"Um, yeah? I need to go seek out the true hero. The time has come."
"But-a… I guess-a… well, I probably am-a the hero you're looking for. I mean-a, I don't-a wanna be conceited, but I've-a been on a crap-ton of adventures."
The butterfly fluttered in place for a moment, looking Mario over. "You know what, I have a real hard time believing that," she said, "But there's a way to find out."
In a flash, she… disassembled herself. Her wings separated into individual triangles and suddenly began spinning rapidly around Mario, surrounding him in a soft glow. The whole strange experience only lasted a moment before the being put herself back together again.
"Whoa," she said. "Wow. Just wow. Well… you weren't lying, Mario."
"Hey, how-a do you suddenly know-a my name?!"
"Oh, I know all sorts of things about you. I just looked into your soul, and… dang. It was bleak. I know that you've been on many adventures, I know that you're obsessively in love with a princess who never gives you anything back, although you literally follow her to the ends of the earth and into space. I know that you're getting old, going through a major mental crisis, looking for meaning and never finding it. You live with your needy brother, whom you have suspicions might be g-"
"Whoa whoa whoa!!" cried Mario. "This isn't fair!!"
"Fair or not, it's too late. That's my power. It's better than Facebook-stalking, huh? And… well, I didn't believe it at first, but now I have no doubts that you are the true hero."
"Well come on then, at least tell me who you are."
"My name is Tippi. I am what is called a Pixl. Something like a fairy. I have come to protect and to guard you."
"Oh-a great, so I'm-a going to be-a followed around by a butterfly now? Oh, my-a poor aching manliness…"
"You think that's bad? Just wait until you hear about the quest for the Pure Hearts."
"What?!"
"But we don't have time for that now. Merlon can explain."
"Wait-a, Merlon? Don't I-a know this guy?"
"He doesn't know you."
"…Oh."
"But anyway, Mario! We've wasted enough time. You were just attacked by a terrible villain named Count Bleck, right?"
"What, that was-a really his name?"
"…Um, yes. That is what he wishes to be called."
"Whoa! And here I-a thought he-a just had a speech impediment. Or like-a his gag reflex was really acting up. Like he ate-a something really nasty for breakfast and the taste was-a still in his mouth."
"Mario?"
"Yes-a?"
"Shut up."
"Well! Mamma mia! Now-a listen here, Tipsy-"
"Tippi. And you listen to me! Did Count Bleck, or did he not, just kidnap a fair princess and an evil king?"
"Well-a gee, I don't know, Trippy. I was unconscious. But I'm-a pretty sure he did. Although I wouldn't-a call that princess fair."
"Fair as in beautiful. As in fiiine. As in you, Mario, wish to totally-"
"That's-a enough! I-a get it now!"
---
Princess Peach woke up and looked around her. She was totally shocked to find herself standing at a marriage altar (yes, she had been sleeping standing up – when you're a princess you learn all this weird posture stuff) across from… from BOWSER?!
"Oh shrooms," she said, "how drunk did I get at the–"
"BWAHH, my bride! You're awake!" Bowser cried out in glee. "Oh man, I'm so excited! Let's get this started!"
"Whoa, whoa, Bowser. I don't care what I said last night. That was just a – listen. I can't marry you, ok?" She then looked down. "Ugh! And who picked out this terrible dress?!"
"Oh, that's your dress, Princess, Count Bleck enters the conversation. Count Bleck just used magic to turn it white."
Peach looked up and saw two very strange figures floating above her.
"And who invited the Blue Man Group to my wedding?! Holy Stars, this is the worst ever," she moaned. "God, how drunk was I…"
"Um, count?" said Nastasia. "Can we go ahead and marry these two?"
She mentally added, And then you can marry me! Take me, my Lord! I want to have your terrifying legless babies!
"Oh man, I'm so excited!" repeated Bowser. "I mean, I should feel kind of cheated that after years of trying to get to this point, some guy just swoops in and does it all for me, but – how could I be mad?! I'm totally getting married to Princess Peach!"
"Ugh!" groaned Peach. "Seriously, whatever. This is totally embarrassing and is going to be all over the tabloids. But really Bowser, I am not saying 'I do,' so you can keep on dreaming, you creep!"
"And you know what I really like about weddings is what happens after the wedding-"
"UGGGH!!!" Peach threw her flowers in Bowser's face.
"What?! I meant eating the wedding cake! Dear Stars I love wedding cake!"
---
"...Well we're screwed now," said Tippi.
"Oh-a come on. I've-a faced far scarier things than that fancypants teasip. I mean, a monocle?! A monocle?! He thinks he's-a going to beat me wearing a monocle?!"
"Listen, Mario, you don't understand. For one thing, don't call him a fancypants. He doesn't have legs. Pay attention. Second, monocles are pretty awesome. You're just jealous because you don't have one."
"What? That's-a the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You sound like-a some stupid fangirl who only likes monocles because this guy-a wears them! And top hats, for-a that matter! Whose side are you on, really? Are you in-a love with this guy?"
"WHAT?! Me, in love with that nasty piece of work? – Which, by the way, is totally the most amusing synonym Microsoft Word has for 'villain'? – But no! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. That's pure crap. If I ever end up feeling so much as the slightest affection for that total creep, I wish that someone would just go ahead and kill me."
Mario was silenced for a moment.
"Well-a then, I might-a as well be a hero. Maybe, just-a maybe, if I-a save the entire universe, she'll-a notice me. And-a we can finally get-a married."
"Um… about that, yeah," said Tippi hesitantly. "So the reason why Count Bleck kidnapped Bowser and Peach was to – well, to – to marry them."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT-a?!"
---
Mario was standing on top of a high tower, in front of yet another sagacious-old-man type of character.
He was still seething with rage. That annoying little butterfly had spirited him away to this hub-city populated by all these weird geometric people. And Mario had thought he was a square.
The old sage was babbling on about prophecies and ancient books and Sweethearts or Dear Hearts or something, another collectable, there were probably like eight or nine of them, except these were made out of pure love, which Mario was thinking at this moment probably made them a lot less useful than the Crystal Stars. Those things were worth something real. Money. You could get something in return from them, no question. But love? What had love ever given him?!
And the love of his life had just gotten married to his greatest enemy. One thing he had grasped from this conversation was that, if there was a big gaping hole in the sky (and there most certainly was), the two of them were joined in holy matrimony. Or unholy matrimony.
That means she had said yes. It had come down to it and she had said yes.
To Bowser.
Mario had had these suspicions… she sure was over at Bowser's place all the time, "getting kidnapped" a bit too suspiciously often… but he hadn't thought, really. Is that why she always shunned him? She was secretly after that monster all along?
Merlon was pulling out a piece of paper with strange symbols written on it. "So you see, as it says here, only Mario can defeat Count Bleck!" He rolled it back up again. "And that's why you're contractually obligated to save the universe."
Mario snapped to attention. He slowly turned his head and stared Merlon right in the eyes.
"…No."
"MAH BOI!" cried Merlon in shock. "This opportunity is what all true heroes strive for!"
"Well excuuuuuse-a me, Merlon," snapped Mario. "I don't-a care what Fate says. I didn't-a sign up for this."
"You stubborn idiot!" cried Tippi, fluttering furiously in front of his face. "If you don't help, the entire universe will be destroyed! Don't you understand? No one can do it but you!"
"Let it-a be destroyed. See if I-a care. In fact, I'll-a be happy to know that every world is-a going down the drain. The universe is cruel."
"You're pathetic, Mario," spat Tippi. She then looked apologetically (or at least she thought she was; it really didn't make any difference) at Merlon. "I swear he's the right one," she said. "We just need to work on him a bit."
"Merlon," said Mario. "Do you have a wife and-a children?"
"Well… no," said the old man sadly. "No, I don't."
"Didn't-a think so," said Mario. "You're a lonely old man who-a spends all his days holed up reading musty old books. You've got-a no one. You're all alone in-a the world, aren't you?"
Merlon was silenced. "I've got, um… Tippi… and… my cousins…"
"Oh, you've-a got a freaking butterfly and some relatives who probably only-a tolerate you?"
"Mario!" cried Tippi. "You buttox! Stop hurting an old man's feelings! He's not going to live much longer!"
"The universe… is… pretty mean, isn't it?" said Merlon sadly.
"Especially to those who-a try to protect it," said Mario lowly. "Believe me, I know."
"But the universe can be pretty awesome too," said Tippi. "I mean, there's music!"
"Have you listened to-a the radio lately? Justin-a Bieber?"
"Sunrises!"
"The sun rises every day on-a more heartache and disappointment."
"Cute animals!"
"Like-a those Whackas whose heads I bashed in?"
"You monster!!" cried Tippi. "That's it. You know what, Merlon? This guy's right. Screw fate. I'm gonna go look for another hero. Anyone but this guy."
Merlon still seemed crestfallen. "Alright, Tippi. You do that. You send this Mario back home. I've heard a lot about this Master Chief character..."
---
Mario was sitting on his porch with a bottle of Keelhaul Ale in his hand.
All alone.
Someone had trashed his place while he was gone, but he didn't care. It didn't matter. The world was ending.
He stared, glassy-eyed, at the Void in the sky. It was here too. It was everywhere. And as he watched, he thought he could see it getting bigger and bigger, moment by moment.
His brother was gone. His arch-nemesis was gone. His princess was gone. And soon… he would be gone.
He was at peace.
So he sat back, took another sip of his ale, and waited for the end.
THE END
-------
Super Failure Mario
Once upon a time, in rather a small house, a man clad in a red shirt and blue overalls and sporting an incredible mustache and a five-o-clock shadow was sitting at his kitchen table, pondering a few things. First of all, he was pondering how it was that he'd saved the kingdom more times than he could count, and still he lived in rather a small house. On that note, he was also pondering why he had to still live with his brother, and if the guy would ever move out and take care of himself. Get himself a girl. Of course, it wasn't like Mario had any right to be talking in that respect. Not really.
Truth be told, on this particular morning, Mario – for that was the man's name, and there's no use pretending we didn't know otherwise – was utterly depressed. He was considering how many times he'd saved the princess, going from castle to castle until he found her – and all he ever got was a kiss and some cake. What was with that? Did she not like his nose? It couldn't be the mustache, everybody loved the mustache. Creatures that weren't even human loved the mustache, and that kinda made him uncomfortable.
No, it must be his weight. He didn't understand how he managed to swim through oceans and sweat his way through sweltering deserts and travel across endless plains and climb up ladders and jump, jump, jump, and he just couldn't get rid of that that pudge. His brother didn't go on nearly as many adventures, and he was thin as a rail.
Yes, friends. Mario was depressed about his life in general, was full of self-doubt. It may come as a shock, but Red, Mustache, the Great Gonzales, whatever you know him as, had actually some pretty abysmal mental issues. That was the reason he talked so little; he was usually running over the troublesome thoughts that tormented his mind. He had done things, he had committed atrocities that he didn't like to remember. Bashing Goombas' heads in, kicking around Koopas in their shells until they were brain-damaged. All for the sake of her. The princess who smelled like flowers, whose hair was pure gold growing from her china skin. Only for her to be in another castle, both physically and mentally. Yes… all he ever got was a kiss and some cake. What did she want? What did she want?!
As Mario sat there, drinking his Starbeans instant coffee and gazing languidly at the wall, his brother Luigi tromped into the kitchen from his room and sat himself noisily down at the table. "Yo bro!" he cried out.
Good-for-nothing, thought Mario. But he greeted his brother with, "Hmmm."
"Mamma mia, but today's a boring day already!" cried Luigi. As if Luigi knows what excitement is, Mario thought. Mario is Missing. He thought that was a good game just because he was the star. Hmph.
"Y'know, I wish something intense would happen today!" Luigi prattled on loudly. "Something crazy! Y'know, like, KERBLOOEY!" He paused a moment. "Like, AAAAAHHH, MY ARM! Like HAVE MERCY, OH STARS PLEASE, OH STARS, I HAVE CHILDREN!!! Like OH GOD, DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!!! AHHH! AAAHH! AAAAAA-"
"That's enough-a, Luigi," said Mario, and his brother desisted the agonized screaming. But he was far from desisting his blather.
"But wouldn't that be awesome, though?!" he cried. "We should head up to town! Maybe go to the castle! I bet something like that might happen at the castle."
Mario sighed. Today? He didn't think he could face the castle today. He couldn't face her. But he had nothing better to do, and he wanted to shut Luigi up. Maybe he could ditch him and go shopping for new identical overalls.
"Okey dokey," he sighed miserably, and followed up with the weakest "Let's-a go," ever heard.
The two brothers had gathered their things, but as soon as they stepped outside, they were greeted by the sight of a crazed little mushroom man running wildly up to them, waving his arms.
"Whoa, Toad! What's the matter?!" called Luigi. "Why are you so crazy?!"
"BLATHA BLATHA BLAAATHA!" answered the Toad, groping his cap frenetically, his eyes looking in two different directions.
"No really, why are you so crazy?" asked Luigi.
"Angh- ah- budah- FLAAARG!!!" He fell to the ground and started rolling back and forth on his side.
"I think he's-a trying to tell us that Peach has been-a kidnapped again," sighed Mario.
"Oooh, you can understand this guy?" inquired Luigi, fascinated.
"Not at all, but that's-a what these guys are-a usually-a tryin' to tell us."
"Oh!" exclaimed Luigi. "You're so smart, Big Bro!" Then his face changed from astonished admiration to indignant anger. "But who could have done such a thing?!"
"Whatever. Let's-a make this easy, Luigi. To Bowser's Castle."
"What makes you think Bowser has something to do with this?"
But Mario was already headed down the road. Luigi took off after him, leaving the crazy Toad behind.
As soon as they were out of both view and earshot, the Toad jumped up. "Sweet!" he cried. He really didn't know if Peach had been kidnapped at all, but that worked. It was a totally believable excuse in the Mushroom Kingdom. He then ran through Mario and Luigi's unlocked door and began raiding their house for coins and shrooms.
---
Mario and Luigi turned up at Bowser's Castle and found the front gate open, so they walked right in. Bowser had lived in so many castles in his time, since they kept getting blown up or otherwise utterly trashed, and the brothers weren't quite familiar with this particular model. The defenses seemed especially low this time, however. It was like Bowser had thought, Why even bother? As indeed he had. Even the edges of the pathways had railings with signs over them that said "Watch out! Lava!" in a few different languages and a charming little picture of a stickman being consumed by flames and screaming in the agonies of a hideous death.
It was pretty easy to infer where Bowser and his minions were gathered, due to the paper signs taped onto the walls that said "Minion Meeting this way!" with friendly little arrows. They were typed in Comic Sans font, too. Mario groaned. Things had really gone downhill since the early days.
The brothers soon found the grand meeting hall, where a huge crowd of Koopas, Goombas, Hammer Bros, and other minions were massed, and barged in without ceremony. Luigi ran in doing crazy dance moves, waving his arms wildly in front of him and crying out "WOOHOOO! IT'S-A WEEGEE TIME!!" Mario, for his part, trudged in with his hand in a perpetual facepalm. He just wanted to get this over with.
"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Some of the baddies started to cry amongst the other screams of support for Bowser.
It took the Koopa King, who was standing at the far end of the hall, a little while to catch on. Finally, he broke into a huge toothy grin. "Oh! 'We're under attack!' You guys are hilarious! Good one, minions! Baww, I love you guys…"
Suddenly Luigi, who was still making his way up to Bowser, tripped over a Goomba and went flying onto his face, right at the foot of the stairs up to Bowser's throne. His wail of surprise pierced Bowser's ears, and his front rows of minions moved out of the way to reveal the prostate – er, prostrate – Luigi.
"ARGH!" roared Bowser. "It's the Jolly Green Giant!" He stormed down the stairs to stand in front of the fallen man. "What on earth are you doing here – without your brother?"
"I'm here," said Mario flatly, emerging from the crowd. "Well-a Bowser. Shall we get-a this over with?"
"Bwah. Just another day at the office, right?" said Browser, nodding sagaciously. He stretched his arms, cracked his knuckles. "But I gotta say, you guys are really early this time. I mean, REALLY early. Like, we haven't even picked her up yet."
"Eh… what?" said Luigi, starting to pick himself up. A Boomerang Bro put his foot on Luigi's back to prevent him from doing so.
"Yeah. We totally haven't even gone to kidnap her yet," explained Bowser.
"But, but!" cried Luigi. "We heard from a very reliable source that Peach has already been kidnapped!"
"Luigi, that Toad-a wasn't exactly a reliable source," said Mario. "Come on. Let's-a beat up Bowser for good-a measure and then let's-a go home."
Just then, a shrill cry pierced the air. "HEEEELP!"
Mario started. That damsel-in-distress scream that set feminism back to the Victorian age! It could only be… her! And surely enough, Peach soon materialized to follow her cry. She was floating in the air above the heads of the brothers, Bowser, and all his minions, surrounded by a surreal glowing cage.
"Mario!" she cried, looking around; then she sighted him. Mario's heart leapt as their eyes met, but then the princess snapped, "Mario, come on! What's taking you! Hurry up and get me out of this mess!"
"Whoa, Bowser, that's pretty nifty! How are you doing that?" asked Luigi, craning his neck to look up at Peach and still struggling to get up. He now had a Goomba and a Buzzy Beetle sitting on him as well.
"Waaaah?" explained Bowser most astutely.
"Well put, O spiky friend of Count Bleck!" came a new voice from out of nowhere. And suddenly, a new figure appeared.
He was blue, da-ba-dee da-ba-da, da-ba-dee, da-ba-da, da-ba-dee da-ba-da. And that's all I have to say about that.
Alright, it's worth mentioning his top hat, which was very tall, and his legs and arms, which did not exist. In fact, he was very much a floating torso with floating hands. And a cane, and a monocle. Holy crap, to be honest he was pretty freaky. Freaky and incredibly, unbearably charming.
"WHOA!" cried Bowser. "Who the heck are you?!"
"Count Bleck's name is Count Bleck," said Count Bleck.
"That's great and all, but who are you?" asked Bowser, rather confused at this conversation.
"Count Bleck is Count Bleck, retorted Count Bleck. He does not see why it is so hard to understand. Count Bleck speaks in the third person. You should get used to it, he suggests."
"Dude, it's cool, man," Luigi assured him. "I've totally run into people who are a lot harder to understand. Like this one guy, name was- what was it? Waffle? Yeah, Waffle, he was all like- I AM BEING THE WAFFLE, I AM HAVING OF THE FURY!"
"That was-a the worst Fawful impression I could have ever imagined," said Mario. "Somewhere, that-a guy's fans are crying."
"That guy doesn't have fans!" said Luigi.
"Now listen, cried Count Bleck indignantly!" cried Count Bleck indignantly. "You guys are seriously ruining Count Bleck's dramatic moment! BLECK!"
"Hey man, do you need a cough drop?" asked Luigi.
Count Bleck ignored Luigi. "Count Bleck ignores you, Count Bleck informed the green-clad hairy man," Count Bleck informed the green-clad hairy man.
Meanwhile, Peach was still floating there. "Mari-oooo!" she whined. "Why haven't you taken this guy out yet? I'm missing my nail appointment!"
Mario sighed (he seems to do that every time he comes up in this story). "Right," he said, and leaped up in an attempt to tackle the Count.
"OBJECTION! Objected Count Bleck!" cried the villain, and Mario bounced right off of him thanks to an invisible forcefield. The shamed hero collapsed back onto the stone floor.
"FAIL! Cried Count Bleck childishly! Oh! Haha! TAKE THAT!" He then pointed his cane at Mario and began conjuring up some darkest of magic. The magic of pure… nothingness. The magic of the Void. Mario found himself pulled in by the force of the magic, and he was spun around several times, the darkness seeping into him until he was quite dizzy and felt even more depressed than ever before.
"Welcome to Count Bleck's world of angst!" cried the Count, releasing Mario and cackling wildly. "BLEH HEH HEH, BLECK!!!"
"…Oh?" said Mario woozily. "I… was-a… already there." He then passed out.
"Count Bleck's World of Angst?!" repeated Luigi. "Is that a theme park? I mean, 'cuz it doesn't sound like a very fun one."
"No, that's what this game should really be called," said Count Bleck. "Super Paper Mario, my nonexistent buttox. The only thing more broken than my heart in this game is the Fourth Wall!" He then looked all around him, at the speechless minions, at the gaping Bowser, at the still horizontal Luigi, at the really ticked off Peach, and at the unconscious Mario. "Now come on, it's time for a wedding!" And with a wave of his cane, he pulled them all – all but Mario – into another world.
---
Mario woke up. His head ached, his back hurt, and he was extremely stiff; and somehow, he was on a cold stone castle floor. Not to mention that the second he awoke, a crushing river of self-loathing flowed into his soul and began anew to drown it.
It was exactly the same situation and the same onslaught of feelings, physical and mental, he'd experienced that time he had actually tried to make out with the princess after he'd saved her. The only difference was that this time he didn't have a large red slap-mark on his cheek and a parasol-related blunt trauma wound on his head. How had he gotten here, then?
Oh, right. That total pansy of a main antagonist. Count Bleck? Come on. Where was he, Sesame Street?
---
"Three hundred and eighty-two potential minions! BLEH, HEH, HEH! Three hundred and eighty-three potential minions! BLEH, HEH, HEH!"
Count Bleck was hovering above the sacred altar of marriage, counting faces in the sea of Bowser's troops. Soon, with the help of his trusty secretary, they would all be his.
I want to be his, thought the aforementioned secretary, who was floating next to him. What she said was: "Um. My lord." She was also blue, da-ba-dee da-ba – you know what, forget it – and sported some very awesome glasses. "Don't trouble yourself. I'll count them all out for you later and write an official report, 'k?"
"Nastasia! said Count Bleck with an adorable pouty face! You just made the Count lose his count!"
"But, my lord, as I just said…"
"Well, then how else is Count Bleck going to amuse himself while waiting for that ditzy princess to wake up?"
I could keep you occupied, thought Nastasia. What she said was this: "You're right, we're running a little behind schedule, aren't we? How about I just wake her up for you?"
"That would be excellent."
---
Mario groaned as he sat up and rubbed his aching head.
"Finally, you move your fat buttox!" admonished a snappy female voice. Most people would have leapt up, or at least their hearts would have; but nothing really surprised Mario anymore. He was too shell-shocked.
(…It was a pun, people!)
So Mario just looked languidly around him until his eyes lit on a splash of rainbow color amongst the grey stone of the castle. The being suddenly flew towards him – fluttered towards him, in fact. It appeared to be an abstract representation of a butterfly.
"You there!" she said. "You look – oh great. Just great. Really, LP? Really?!"
"Wait-a, who are you?" asked Mario. "And who is-a this LP? Is there-a some invisible creature hanging around-a here too? Maybe-a like a freaking kitten or a bunny-a rabbit?"
"LP is not a person. It's the Light Predictionary, a totally lame soap opera script that's supposed to dictate the fate of the world, along with its brother, the Dark Predictionary. LP says you're supposed to be the legendary hero, and… it's a terrible casting choice, to be honest. I mean, you're wearing the clothes, you've got the 'stache, but that doesn't mean you can save the universe."
"Well, that's-a great!" exclaimed the purported hero bitterly, "Because I don't-a want to save the universe. I'm-a tired of saving the kingdom or-a the world and getting-a nothing in return. So you want-a me to save-a the entire fabric of-a existence, eh? What am I-a gonna get?"
"Probably nothing, to be honest. The satisfaction of a job well done?"
"Well-a forget it!"
"That settles it. The hero must be in another castle. Surely I've come to the wrong one. Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Mustache. Except not really."
"Wait-a!" cried Mario suddenly. "Are you-a… leaving?"
"Um, yeah? I need to go seek out the true hero. The time has come."
"But-a… I guess-a… well, I probably am-a the hero you're looking for. I mean-a, I don't-a wanna be conceited, but I've-a been on a crap-ton of adventures."
The butterfly fluttered in place for a moment, looking Mario over. "You know what, I have a real hard time believing that," she said, "But there's a way to find out."
In a flash, she… disassembled herself. Her wings separated into individual triangles and suddenly began spinning rapidly around Mario, surrounding him in a soft glow. The whole strange experience only lasted a moment before the being put herself back together again.
"Whoa," she said. "Wow. Just wow. Well… you weren't lying, Mario."
"Hey, how-a do you suddenly know-a my name?!"
"Oh, I know all sorts of things about you. I just looked into your soul, and… dang. It was bleak. I know that you've been on many adventures, I know that you're obsessively in love with a princess who never gives you anything back, although you literally follow her to the ends of the earth and into space. I know that you're getting old, going through a major mental crisis, looking for meaning and never finding it. You live with your needy brother, whom you have suspicions might be g-"
"Whoa whoa whoa!!" cried Mario. "This isn't fair!!"
"Fair or not, it's too late. That's my power. It's better than Facebook-stalking, huh? And… well, I didn't believe it at first, but now I have no doubts that you are the true hero."
"Well come on then, at least tell me who you are."
"My name is Tippi. I am what is called a Pixl. Something like a fairy. I have come to protect and to guard you."
"Oh-a great, so I'm-a going to be-a followed around by a butterfly now? Oh, my-a poor aching manliness…"
"You think that's bad? Just wait until you hear about the quest for the Pure Hearts."
"What?!"
"But we don't have time for that now. Merlon can explain."
"Wait-a, Merlon? Don't I-a know this guy?"
"He doesn't know you."
"…Oh."
"But anyway, Mario! We've wasted enough time. You were just attacked by a terrible villain named Count Bleck, right?"
"What, that was-a really his name?"
"…Um, yes. That is what he wishes to be called."
"Whoa! And here I-a thought he-a just had a speech impediment. Or like-a his gag reflex was really acting up. Like he ate-a something really nasty for breakfast and the taste was-a still in his mouth."
"Mario?"
"Yes-a?"
"Shut up."
"Well! Mamma mia! Now-a listen here, Tipsy-"
"Tippi. And you listen to me! Did Count Bleck, or did he not, just kidnap a fair princess and an evil king?"
"Well-a gee, I don't know, Trippy. I was unconscious. But I'm-a pretty sure he did. Although I wouldn't-a call that princess fair."
"Fair as in beautiful. As in fiiine. As in you, Mario, wish to totally-"
"That's-a enough! I-a get it now!"
---
Princess Peach woke up and looked around her. She was totally shocked to find herself standing at a marriage altar (yes, she had been sleeping standing up – when you're a princess you learn all this weird posture stuff) across from… from BOWSER?!
"Oh shrooms," she said, "how drunk did I get at the–"
"BWAHH, my bride! You're awake!" Bowser cried out in glee. "Oh man, I'm so excited! Let's get this started!"
"Whoa, whoa, Bowser. I don't care what I said last night. That was just a – listen. I can't marry you, ok?" She then looked down. "Ugh! And who picked out this terrible dress?!"
"Oh, that's your dress, Princess, Count Bleck enters the conversation. Count Bleck just used magic to turn it white."
Peach looked up and saw two very strange figures floating above her.
"And who invited the Blue Man Group to my wedding?! Holy Stars, this is the worst ever," she moaned. "God, how drunk was I…"
"Um, count?" said Nastasia. "Can we go ahead and marry these two?"
She mentally added, And then you can marry me! Take me, my Lord! I want to have your terrifying legless babies!
"Oh man, I'm so excited!" repeated Bowser. "I mean, I should feel kind of cheated that after years of trying to get to this point, some guy just swoops in and does it all for me, but – how could I be mad?! I'm totally getting married to Princess Peach!"
"Ugh!" groaned Peach. "Seriously, whatever. This is totally embarrassing and is going to be all over the tabloids. But really Bowser, I am not saying 'I do,' so you can keep on dreaming, you creep!"
"And you know what I really like about weddings is what happens after the wedding-"
"UGGGH!!!" Peach threw her flowers in Bowser's face.
"What?! I meant eating the wedding cake! Dear Stars I love wedding cake!"
---
"...Well we're screwed now," said Tippi.
"Oh-a come on. I've-a faced far scarier things than that fancypants teasip. I mean, a monocle?! A monocle?! He thinks he's-a going to beat me wearing a monocle?!"
"Listen, Mario, you don't understand. For one thing, don't call him a fancypants. He doesn't have legs. Pay attention. Second, monocles are pretty awesome. You're just jealous because you don't have one."
"What? That's-a the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You sound like-a some stupid fangirl who only likes monocles because this guy-a wears them! And top hats, for-a that matter! Whose side are you on, really? Are you in-a love with this guy?"
"WHAT?! Me, in love with that nasty piece of work? – Which, by the way, is totally the most amusing synonym Microsoft Word has for 'villain'? – But no! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. That's pure crap. If I ever end up feeling so much as the slightest affection for that total creep, I wish that someone would just go ahead and kill me."
Mario was silenced for a moment.
"Well-a then, I might-a as well be a hero. Maybe, just-a maybe, if I-a save the entire universe, she'll-a notice me. And-a we can finally get-a married."
"Um… about that, yeah," said Tippi hesitantly. "So the reason why Count Bleck kidnapped Bowser and Peach was to – well, to – to marry them."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT-a?!"
---
Mario was standing on top of a high tower, in front of yet another sagacious-old-man type of character.
He was still seething with rage. That annoying little butterfly had spirited him away to this hub-city populated by all these weird geometric people. And Mario had thought he was a square.
The old sage was babbling on about prophecies and ancient books and Sweethearts or Dear Hearts or something, another collectable, there were probably like eight or nine of them, except these were made out of pure love, which Mario was thinking at this moment probably made them a lot less useful than the Crystal Stars. Those things were worth something real. Money. You could get something in return from them, no question. But love? What had love ever given him?!
And the love of his life had just gotten married to his greatest enemy. One thing he had grasped from this conversation was that, if there was a big gaping hole in the sky (and there most certainly was), the two of them were joined in holy matrimony. Or unholy matrimony.
That means she had said yes. It had come down to it and she had said yes.
To Bowser.
Mario had had these suspicions… she sure was over at Bowser's place all the time, "getting kidnapped" a bit too suspiciously often… but he hadn't thought, really. Is that why she always shunned him? She was secretly after that monster all along?
Merlon was pulling out a piece of paper with strange symbols written on it. "So you see, as it says here, only Mario can defeat Count Bleck!" He rolled it back up again. "And that's why you're contractually obligated to save the universe."
Mario snapped to attention. He slowly turned his head and stared Merlon right in the eyes.
"…No."
"MAH BOI!" cried Merlon in shock. "This opportunity is what all true heroes strive for!"
"Well excuuuuuse-a me, Merlon," snapped Mario. "I don't-a care what Fate says. I didn't-a sign up for this."
"You stubborn idiot!" cried Tippi, fluttering furiously in front of his face. "If you don't help, the entire universe will be destroyed! Don't you understand? No one can do it but you!"
"Let it-a be destroyed. See if I-a care. In fact, I'll-a be happy to know that every world is-a going down the drain. The universe is cruel."
"You're pathetic, Mario," spat Tippi. She then looked apologetically (or at least she thought she was; it really didn't make any difference) at Merlon. "I swear he's the right one," she said. "We just need to work on him a bit."
"Merlon," said Mario. "Do you have a wife and-a children?"
"Well… no," said the old man sadly. "No, I don't."
"Didn't-a think so," said Mario. "You're a lonely old man who-a spends all his days holed up reading musty old books. You've got-a no one. You're all alone in-a the world, aren't you?"
Merlon was silenced. "I've got, um… Tippi… and… my cousins…"
"Oh, you've-a got a freaking butterfly and some relatives who probably only-a tolerate you?"
"Mario!" cried Tippi. "You buttox! Stop hurting an old man's feelings! He's not going to live much longer!"
"The universe… is… pretty mean, isn't it?" said Merlon sadly.
"Especially to those who-a try to protect it," said Mario lowly. "Believe me, I know."
"But the universe can be pretty awesome too," said Tippi. "I mean, there's music!"
"Have you listened to-a the radio lately? Justin-a Bieber?"
"Sunrises!"
"The sun rises every day on-a more heartache and disappointment."
"Cute animals!"
"Like-a those Whackas whose heads I bashed in?"
"You monster!!" cried Tippi. "That's it. You know what, Merlon? This guy's right. Screw fate. I'm gonna go look for another hero. Anyone but this guy."
Merlon still seemed crestfallen. "Alright, Tippi. You do that. You send this Mario back home. I've heard a lot about this Master Chief character..."
---
Mario was sitting on his porch with a bottle of Keelhaul Ale in his hand.
All alone.
Someone had trashed his place while he was gone, but he didn't care. It didn't matter. The world was ending.
He stared, glassy-eyed, at the Void in the sky. It was here too. It was everywhere. And as he watched, he thought he could see it getting bigger and bigger, moment by moment.
His brother was gone. His arch-nemesis was gone. His princess was gone. And soon… he would be gone.
He was at peace.
So he sat back, took another sip of his ale, and waited for the end.
THE END
Thanks for reading!